Il Neige

Yes. It is snowing. Did we just get rid of this stuff? Ugh.

Lest we forget...

Today is Remembrance day (Veteran's day in the US).

I have always taken a moment to mark Remembrance day. This comes primarily as a result of growing up in a military family, but also because my grandfather fought in World war II. I typically attended Remembrance day ceremonies with my parents, and of course it was a day of reflection on what so many sacrificed in war for us.

However, regardless of your feelings about war and military, I hope you will take a moment today to reflect on the many sacrifices our parents, grandparents and many more before them have made to give us the lives we have today. The world is as it is today because of those decisions and efforts, and it's really not such a bad place. We also have a long way to go and that is our responsibility now.

In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

~Lieutenant Colonel John McCrae, MD (1872-1918) Canadian Army

Meme-time: 6 random things about me

Tagged a while back by the lovely but disgruntled Julie...

The rules:



At long last and in no particular order:

1. I am deathly afraid of anything that stings. Bees, wasps, hornets, jellyfish (which are gross anyway), and probably scorpions though I've never met one. This deep seated phobia most likely results from the fact that I have never been stung combined with all those awful reports about killer bees and too many bee segments on sesame street when I was but a wee lass. Now, at the ripe old age of 28, I leap up and run away, usually flailing and screaming like an imbecile at the sight of such a creature. It is incredibly embarrassing. ... and now I have shared it with the entire internet...
   
2. A list within a list: 6 places I love and would run off to in a heart-beat, again in no particular order because that would require too much thought and not be very random. Halifax, Chamonix-Mont Blanc, Bermuda, Paris, San Gimignano, San Sebastian. I would like to see: Rome, Kyoto, all of New Zealand, Hawaii, New York (no! never been!), Crete.
   
3. I very seriously considered doing a degree in Music. I started playing violin when I was 8 years old "because my friends were doing it" and played seriously all through school and undergrad. I still play occasionally, though not enough to keep my skills up. I told myself that I could always pick it up again later, but that I wasn't likely to go back to physics if I stopped.
   
4. I very seriously considered not doing a PhD. In fact I moved all my stuff across the country... and then moved it back when I changed my mind. I hated grad school. Then I realized that was normal, and actually I did like research (just not grad school).
   
5. I learned to knit when I was about 9. I wanted to learn when I saw my grandmother knitting in her chair once when we were visiting when I was very small. I have a vague fuzzy memory of sitting on the floor looking up at what she was doing while watching her soaps and realizing she was making something real out of yarn, and as with everything at that age, well, I wanted to do it too. She said I was too young but promised to teach me when I was older. Unfortunately she didn't get the chance as she passed away not too long after, but my mother kept the bargain a few years later and I knit a scarf for my Dad for Christmas as my first real project. I was pretty proud of myself (for making it and managing to keep it a surprise!), and pretty sure my Nanny would approve. :) I didn't keep up knitting then, but the skills returned quickly when I picked up again a few years ago to pass the sometimes long waiting times in the lab.*
   
6. I cannot eat tomatoes. I'm not allergic, but I have such a strong dislike that I cannot swallow them. This causes problems as most people, like my husband who went ahead and cooked a whole lasagne for me without asking first, assume that everyone likes tomatoes. I once even had a tomato nightmare: I dreamed that I was eating raw potatoes out of a sack (don't ask where that came from... no I don't eat raw potatoes either), and then I pulled out a tomato and *shudder* took a giant chomp out of it! blaegh.
   

And now to pass it on:

1. Styleygeek@Fumbling towards geekdom
   
2. Connie@physicsknits
   
3. Dr. Brazen Hussy@What the hell is wrong with you? (best blog title ever)
   
4. Dr. Isis@On becoming a domestic and laboratory goddess
   
5. Twigs@Gathering Twigs
   
6. you!!!
   

*ah, yes, this is how a lot of my knitting projects get completed, sitting in front of the computer as data is being acquired. it is a great way to pass time when you need to do something requiring little to no thought every 8 min. *knit, knit, knit, click, click, save, click knit, knit...* this is an excellent strategy for passing the time and getting knitting done, even if it is somewhat awkward when your supervisor walks in with an important visitor and starts to ask if you are making a whole sweater. sadly, since writing, my knitting productivity has drastically decreased.

Piled Higher and Deeper... they weren't kidding

My desk as it stands today:

Piles upon piles... stacks upon stacks... books and notes and files everywhere. I guess that's where PhD comics got the "Piled higher and Deeper" moniker from.

But wait... what is that sitting at the edge of my desk...



... could that be seven thesis copies bound and labelled in acco press binders? forms all signed and ready for submission?? Why yes, that's exactly what those are, and submit it is exactly what I did first thing this morning.

Whoah.

Post-doc loc: hint #1

evergreen, originally uploaded by physics*chick.

Since I'm still waiting for my supervisor's thesis comments, let's play a game!

Guess where I'm going for a post-doc?

*No cheating by going to Flickr to see the other pictures.*

excuse me while i melt into a pool of blubbering grad student

So, I gave a "final" draft of my thesis to my supervisor on Friday. I'm sure he will have a few suggestions, but I don't expect major revisions as he's seen the bulk of it already and we discussed the sections he hasn't on several occasions. The last few days I've been puttering around, tidying up a few little things here and there, buying the stupid acco press binders I have to submit my thesis in, finding all the forms and figuring out the oddities of submitting a partially manuscript-based thesis. That last bit was stressful, though for once they were actually nice to me at grad studies, and there isn't really a problem except I can't find my copyright agreements anywhere. Note to self: make a folder for that.

So everything is fine. I'm almost done! But I feel all shaky and like I'm going to burst into tears. I think I've been under a bit too much stress. Maybe the giant thunderstorm outside is not helping. Maybe waking up at 4am and mentally outlining a review article I could write is not helping.

I have to say, I've done this thesis writing thing all wrong. Since April, I've attended 5 conferences/workshops, organized an "informal" summer school lunch series, given 5 talks and 2 posters, travelled to 6 cities, cut 2 pseudo-vacations short, submitted 1 paper and helped with corrections/preparation for two more, submitted two more abstracts for conference presentations, had my SIL visiting, had my hubby go to Japan for a month (while SIL was visiting), helped my best friend get married... oh, and wrote a thesis. I had, at most, two week stretches to write, and most of those got broken up with other little things. The majority of my thesis was written in bits and pieces of a day or two here and there. Some of it on planes, trains and busses. I can't say I really enjoyed the process.

Contrast this with how I wrote my MSc thesis, which I actually really enjoyed doing (ok, I missed the lab, but still I enjoyed it): one 7 week stretch, removed from my department by 5000km. No distractions, no conferences, no travelling. One move, and then time at a desk. I got really focused and into it, I learned things about my data I hadn't seen before, I thought of new interpretations, and things started to come together in a more consistent way. I had time to pick at the writing, the presentation, the ordering of the story and make it all flow.

I'm happy enough with the thesis I have in front of me now, I think it flows ok (given the circumstance under which I wrote it, I'm a little surprised), there are generalizations from the data that I'm just thrilled about, and I think it presents a nice consistent story. I hope it won't be painful to read. But I didn't have the time (or energy) to put a real polish on it this time. I'm sure it's good enough, but it's my usual "best". I'm proud of the science, but the document is just ok. There are things I thought of doing, that I just passed over in the end. It's bugging me. Maybe this is why I keep waking up at 4am thinking about these things. On the other hand, there is a voice in my head pleading "for the love of god, please just hand it in" because I can't bear the thought of dealing with it any longer. I need a real vacation. ;)

So, for those of you embarking on writing a thesis, I have this advice to offer: don't book yourself into dozens of obligations while you are writing. Set aside a real block of time to focus. Tell your colleagues they will have to get along without you (run away if you can!). Then, maybe, just maybe, you will enjoy it and learn something new from yourself.

I learned that I have limits. *sigh*

I'm still here...

bursting with blooms, originally uploaded by physics*chick.

... still writing, finished with conferences for the time being, papers are out of the way for now, dreaming of a bit of vacation when my thesis is submitted.

I have lots of things to post, but all writing energy is going elsewhere.

Meanwhile, look at the pretty flowers...

(taken in May with my film SLR Olympus OM-1 with my new-to-me 135mm f2.8 lens... dreamy bokeh)

things I've learned this week

Stress is a state of mind, it's how we respond to the pressure. This has worked for me to help with feeling stressed a lot over the last year. But then there are times where there is really too much...

Working creates more work and that's how I got myself into this jam. If I hadn't worked so hard earlier, I wouldn't be giving 5 presentations in the next 2 months (2 in the next 2 weeks!) and submitting 2 more abstracts this week. If I would just learn to be mediocre I could just be happily writing my thesis in peace. Sometimes I need to leave well enough alone...

So now that I'm here...

The answer is not working harder, it's beer, because working harder will just lead to more work, right? and I seriously need to relax.

i really need to do something with my hair...

ok, so I should be madly writing away, preparing talks etc, not obsessing over my hair but really... look... I really need to do something with this. I thought bangs would be cute at Christmas and got them cut. Um. Yeah. I thought I could handle "styling" bangs... but apparently not. Not only am I not responsible enough with my time to do it, I'm not even sure what to do with them to make them work. So now they are growing out and I've just always got all these straggly pieces around. Meanwhile the rest of my hair's grown like a bad weed and is out of control. Again me+hairdryer? not happening. I'm tired of looking like a slob.

Anyone have suggestions for easy, professional-looking hair, that's still feminine (ie. not my old habit of pulling it all back into a sloppy bun)?

new favourite afternoon tea

So I go through phases with tea, and I'm in a tea phase right now. By mid-afternoon I'm usually needing a little pick-me-up, but coffee seems to get me going too much to be able to sit and write. I like earl-grey ("Tea, earl grey, hot!" ... I'm such a dork... *snort*) but I picked up this new Lipton tea the other day which is a blend of white tea, green tea, blueberry and pommegranate. I'm ashamed to say I think I was attracted to the packaging, but I don't really care, because it turns out to be quite good. And they say antioxidants/flavinoids/whatevers are good for you right?

Cherrio then! Tea time!

To be or not to be... a prof

I'm supposed to be writing things, but I keep stumbling across interesting articles...

This one is about what it takes to be a science professor... at least some of the many aspects... with emphasis on the many. Certainly being academically strong is not the only requirement for the job.

University Affairs: So you want to be a science professor?

I think that piece of advice regarding asking someone you respect who is already there whether they think you have what it takes (and listening to them) is a good one... a reality check both for those suffering from impostor syndrome (they might say you'll be great!) and those on the other end of the spectrum (maybe it's important to consider other options). I had a conversation like this with my supervisor a few months ago, and while I got the impression he's confident I could get and do (maybe even excel) at the job, he brought up the issue that it might take longer than I'd like to find a professorship in the right area, both academically and geographically, and encouraged me to think about alternate plans should I get to the point I'm not willing to wait longer for a "real job". He knows I have other life goals/plans, and well, I guess reality is that a professorship *might* not work out for me. Not what I wanted to hear, but something I think I needed to hear... not that I'm giving up or anything!

Imposter syndrome... a real thing

A few times when I've mentioned "Imposter syndrome" I've been met with a reaction of disbelief. Of course, most people in academia know it all too well (I could theorize on why this is*, but have no substantiation for my beliefs other than my personal experience).

There is an article over at Science Careers right now: Getting over the feeling that you're not a phoney takes accurate self-appraisal (found via "On being a scientist and a woman", thanks for the heads up!) that I found a good read (it even has references! see it's real!). Sometimes it helps just to be aware of the problem, that it is real, and that you are far from alone.

I have struggled with Imposter syndrome myself. I have always been a good student, I've won scholarships and received recognition from people in my field at conferences, I've got papers published that people seem to read and cite, by all measures I seem to be doing relatively well... but then the doubt creeps in. Am I working as hard as my peers? Do I understand and know as much as they do? Are my publications as good as theirs? Did I just get lucky with this project I'm on? Could I have done as well with something else? Will I be able to produce successful results and publications somewhere else working on something different? Yipes! Why the hell do I not feel confident about my own success?? And yet, people seem to see me as successful, confident and knowledgeable, and I think at times I foster Imposter syndrome in my peers. On the one hand, I know it is important to project confidence in order for others to take you seriously and believe what you have to say, but on the other hand, it seems ridiculous for my peers to see me this way when at times I don't feel confident and am questioning whether I really know what I know. What an imposter I am!

I went through a particularly bad spell after writing the PhD preliminary or qualifying exam here. After all the stress of the exam I was sure I would fail it and that maybe it was for the best because I didn't belong here anyway. At the same time I was awarded a top scholarship and my brain just couldn't wrap itself around this apparent disparity between what I thought of my ability, and what was being validated externally. Which was correct? Was I an Imposter who didn't deserve said scholarship? Or was I just crazy? It has taken a long time to get over this (err... mostly over it) despite lots of other successes along the way. I told one of the professors in our department when he asked about the prelim exam that I found it a "soul-crushing, confidence-destroying experience" and he looked at me strangely and inquired how that could be for such a good student?

While I agree with the article that accurate self-appraisal is key to knocking down Imposter syndrome, afterall, it comes from within, how does one develop an accurate (and I guess un-biased) view of one's own success? The article makes some suggestions that I will try. Mostly though, I think it is good to talk about it, and perhaps it would help too to hear it from people who have made it already. A friend of mine's father is a professor in the same general field in which she is doing a PhD and she talked about a conversation she had with her dad about Imposter syndrome. She was mystified to discover that after all these years he too still feels somewhat like a "fraud" from time to time, despite a long successful career as evidence to the contrary. I hold onto that as an indication that these waverings and feelings of being an imposter are in my head, and that they can be overcome... though they may also be with me for the long run!

* I think it has to do with two aspects of being an academic. The first is the long period of time spent in school and under constant evaluation and comparison with peers. The second is the difficulty of comparing ones performance to ones peers once in a research intensive environment due to the diversity of work at the level. Due to our training, we may try even harder to determine our success (give ourselves a grade), but it becomes increasingly difficult to compare even different sub-fields as the nature of the research may mean more/less publications, more/less attention, more/less funding support... As such we end up as a bunch of over-achievers starved for evaluation and turn inward allowing our insecurities to compound, surmising that of course our colleges, who outwardly appear confident and competent, must be smarter, harder-working, and just plain better than us. These may at least be contributing factors to the prevalence of Imposter syndrome in academia... in my humble opinion. How to change this? I have no idea. Maybe there is a way to foster accurate self-evaluation earlier in our education, but I don't have any idea how to accomplish that.

Geeky girly girl

If pressed, I would probably have to categorize myself as a geek or a nerd, after all I am in physics and I enjoy playing with computers and other technodorky things (I once asked for a graphing calculator for Christmas... I really, really wanted it). But I also like pretty dresses and shoes, I wear makeup and occasionally paint my nails just because they will be pretty for a few days (maybe... if I'm lucky and don't wreck them in the lab) and that makes me happy. I wouldn't give up either part of myself for anything.

To me, there is nothing wrong with the statement that "I am a geeky girly girl".

So I thought it was interesting to see this article on Wired about a collection of stories written by self-proclaimed "she-geeks". While I think it's great the sentiment is out there, and that the dad of two little girls was intrigued by it and is now armed with a new perspective, my reaction is kind of "so?". Are we so new? The "she-geek"?

Sure, I've met with resistance to my girlieness in this male-dominated kingdom of dorkdom such as comments about the uselessness of my nailpolish, the impracticality of my shoes, or "what's the occasion" if I wear a skirt. I've always chalked this up to misunderstanding... after all, there aren't really enough other gals around here to make a reasonable sample of what a she-physicist should look/act like, but to me there's no reason I should look or act any different than any other woman... well, except I can wear jeans and a t-shirt to work with no objection from anyone, which is nice, at times.

So, while some may look at me and think I'm a dichotomy, I will continue to get just as hot under the collar for those cute little vintage heels as I will for a sweet RAM upgrade (today I have an extra 1GB woot!).

... and really, I don't think I'm very rare.

We interrupt this celebration for a brief announcement...

i got a goal!!! my very first hockey goal!!!

that will be all. :D

Happy New Year!

Cheers!, originally uploaded by physics*chick.

2008

The year of the THESIS.

Eek. I actually worked out the LaTeX template yesterday and looked over my outline yesterday.

I wonder how it will go? I generally feel good about it. I'm confident in the collection of stuff I have to put into it. The data is solid, much of it is at least preliminarily analysed. Much of it is published or at least submitted. But what else will I learn? I came up with so many new ideas and interpretations while writing my MSc thesis, I'm kind of curious to see what will fall out this time.

And of course I can't wait to wear the floppy hat. THAT is a bold fashion statement.

And then there is the "I wonder where I'll be next year at this time?" California? Germany? Freezing my arse off in Edmonton? Will I follow the project I can't stop thinking about? Or go for a big name place? It's all exciting, but I'm not so good with uncertainty.

Why does every year seem like a BIG year these days.

Here we go.... Wheeeeeeee!

where i've been... under a rock

under a rock, originally uploaded by physics*chick.

Lack of intelligble blog posts due to a general lack of intelligibleness. Instead I present you with a photo I took months ago, made new again with dumpr.net's turn-my-photo-old tool. Makes me kinda want a Holga... but then my obsession with cameras is a whole other issue, and we don't need to go there today.

In other news, I'm chipping away at that to do list for August. However, now that things have settled down a bit compared to the rest of the summer, and most of the key items are either done or mostly done, I'm starting to slow down and relax more.

time to try some motivational techniques again

Inspired by the (attempted) motivational techniques being implemented over at Dr. Brazen Hussy's place I've attached a list of things that ought to be done in August to my sidebar. I'm trying to keep it realistic (ok, so maybe even some of that isn't), so it's only 14 items long (for now) rather than 50!

Don't know if this kind of public accountability thing will help this time around, but at least Dr. Hussy can be amused and spy on my to do list!

vacay is a good thing

big BC sky, originally uploaded by physics*chick (aka saburke).

So we recently went out west (to what I often call the "wrong side"... being a east coast sort) for a summer school, a wedding, and a wee little vacation.

Some comments about Victoria BC:

• People drive 35km/hr. No joke. We were almost late for the wedding. 35 people!!! THIRTY-FIVE!
  
• The weather is adjusted for optimal comfort in the summer. Warm, but not too warm. Dry, not muggy, but not too dry either. Everyday as we exited the hotel and I wondered if I'd dressed appropriately for the weather, a giant smile just crept up onto my face as I realized that it didn't matter, because I was just going to be comfortable all day.
  
• Downtown gets pretty empty in the evening. Don't try to find something to eat after 9pm. It will be difficult.
  
• J.J. Wonton Noodle House is still amazing. And according to their fortune cookie I will have "good money-luck next month". Here's hoping for that.
  

We had fun just relaxing and wondering around for a few days in a place we both briefly called home.

Vacation is good.

Best of digital photos are up on Flickr now, and my film should be ready, I just have to pick it up and post those.

... and now for something different

I've decided to start a new section of "Mad Scientist" here I will call: "covet". Yes, I want things. I want lots of things. I'm betting you all do too and will drool over things with me here.

Today I want these:



Aren't they beautiful? The other colours are gorgeous too... really I'm not sure if I could decide. Fluevog makes the most interesting pretty, pretty shoes (and he's canadian... so I'd be supporting the economy... right? right??). I aspire to own a pair someday. I nearly bought boots last fall... a moment of weakness shopping with a friend... thank goodness they didn't have my size.

is this just a vain attempt to pull myself out of my blogging slump? is it really just that i don't feel like working today because i need something to be delivered and just found out it hasn't even been shipped and the alternative isn't fun at all? maybe... li'l column a, li'l column b...

happy spring

cosmic sky, originally uploaded by physics*chick (aka saburke).

spring/summer has arrived in Montreal... I hope for real this time after flip-flopping on the matter several times and almost landing snow on us last week.

busy these days, work, visitors, parents, friends. all's well. enjoying the nice weather.

took this as part of a set of photos of some of the flowers i planted on the balcony. the rest are on flickr.